…in the bath?!
Possibly not the most ideal location to lose conscious access to my body, but I also believe it was quite deliberate, subconsciously.
At around 6pm I had the strongest urge to have a bath. Now normally when I feel the need to move energy, I prefer a shower, so I can stand up and have the water flow over me. The bath usually feels disempowering and uncomfortable. But not tonight.
So I ran the water at the usual 42ºC, sitting in it while it filled so I could adjust to the warmth as it went along. I put three big scoops of Epsom Salts in there as well, to help me relax and to clear anything that needed shifting.
And as soon as I could lie down comfortably, I stopped it filling, which is also unusual, but I thought nothing of it at the time. Normally I like to have a super full bath so every part of me is covered.
But this time, it was just enough to cover most of me. Barely.
It wasn’t until I slipped my head under the water, and had the courage to take my fingers out of my ears that I started to go offline.
The first time it started I just thought I was getting super relaxed, and I kind of repositioned myself . And then found myself falling off to one side again. Head under water, but water only just deep enough to cover the back of my head. Knees resting against the taps along the side, arms afloat and quite immobile.
Hard to communicate it to P, but I think he’s learned the signs by now, so he left me to it.
So I lay there for around 30 minutes, wondering what the point of it was, hoping that it eased off by the time the water got cold, and noticing that certain parts of my skin that have been affected by eczema in the past were flaring up as the soaked in the warm water – specifically my left shoulder and under my left breast (my right chest area was not under water because of the tilt in the way I was lying).
My skin’s been super healing-itchy in the last few days, so I guess some skin stuff is on the move, and this was part of that.
But as to why I felt the need to go offline in the bath? Who knows.
One minute I was lying there drifting aimlessly, and the next I was back. I’m learning to recognise the signs of when I go and when I come back, so I know when I can’t move, and when I have control again.
And afterwards I felt really knocked around, like I’d been hit by a bus. I just sat in front of the computer in a kind of daze for ages, and even struggled to bring myself fully back for dinner. And I completely missed the fact that my 4yo, who was supposed to get ready for bed before dinner, turned up at the dinner table still grubby and wearing her day clothes.
And yet today was a really good day. After being vague and defocused for the last 4 days, I felt like I was more present today. The weather was gorgeous and I rediscovered my joy, my enthusiasm, my buzz today, and it wasn’t until it came back that I realised I hadn’t seen it for a while.
I think I’d just been dealing with getting through each day. Even though I didn’t feel especially negative or discouraged, I hadn’t been feeling positive either, and I only noticed once I woke up this morning with anticipation and enthusiasm in my step.
Nice to have it back, and to remember what it feels like to feel like everything’s going to turn out just fine.