The urge to smack something just grew stronger as the day wore on.
By the time I came home from work, I just wanted to hit something for the heck of it.
And yet I wouldn’t have described myself as angry or even particularly irritable.
The closest word I could find to describe my emotional state was “sassy”.
The full of attitude, “don’t mess with me”, “look at me and I’ll kick your butt just for the hell of it” kind of sassy.
And yet I still managed to function quite well through all of this.
I got work done, I was even reasonably focused, and I’ve just spent a few productive hours this evening making progress on my many “hobbies”. (Didn’t manage to do any exercise yet, though.)
So although at many points during the day today, I’ve been right on the edge of snapping, almost out of pure petulance, not for any reason other than I can, I haven’t.
As I worked my way through my evening chores – feeding the animals, making smoothies, washing dishes – there were times I just wanted to scream out loud to release the angst twisting its way through me.
Anything just to release it. I groaned and moaned at the intensity, as it bubbled oh-so-close to the surface, and remembered to breathe.
I listened to a fascinating show today by Doug Davies (aka Astrodoc) called “What the Hell is Happening Lately?”, which sums up nicely how lost I’ve been feeling recently.
And although it was nice to hear confirmation that I’m not the only one feeling pummelled and wrung out by the relentlessness of the discomfort recently, I still don’t know what to do to manage it better on a day-to-day basis.
I completely get Doug’s explanation that it’s impossible to get comfortable at the moment, and there’s no breathers anywhere, and the things that used to work to soothe us (like eating), just don’t work any more.
I also get that this is not something I can solve with my mind – and also that my mind is trying WAY too hard to solve it – and that I kind of have to trust and go with the flow, but I still don’t know how to do that, in real, practical terms.
Might be time for a chat with Duriel to see if I can get some specific tools or strategies or insights to help me deal with it better.
And maybe even find out how to work this manifesting gig a little better too.
Right after I finish all the other things on my horribly long, non-existent to-do list, that I must get on with.