It’s like I’m just watching a movie.
A very realistic, interactive movie, granted, but a movie nonetheless.
I’ve suspended my disbelief, I’m happy to go along for the ride, but everything that happens doesn’t matter, not deep down, because none of it is “real”.
It’s not nihilistic, in that it’s not a loss of hope or a sense of utter pointlessness. Although I do find myself wondering how I decide what to do next when I’m acutely aware that none of it really matters. Not really. It’s all just a game.
It’s not flippant, in that I haven’t disengaged from the story, and dismissed it all as rubbish. I’m here, I’m living this, it’s “real” in the sense of being physical and concrete, but it’s just not the whole story. And I could just as easily be doing something else.
It’s not disembodied, because I’m still very much the same me I was yesterday and I’m still here. I look down at the backs of my hands in wonder and curiosity at this thing I have for so long seen as “me”. It’s a wonderful machine, but it’s still not the whole picture.
I find myself thinking about what I need to do today, and realise that it doesn’t really matter whether or not I pay the bills. I probably will, because that’s the game I’m playing, but none of it’s real. It is nice though to be able to let go of the “realness” of money and the associated knee-jerk money worries that I’m so good at.
I do find myself lacking what might be called “motivation”, because there’s nothing on my to do list that matters more than any thing else. I could just as easily spend the day sorting out my cupboards as I could entering paperwork or programming the website, and yet I don’t really feel the urge to do any of it.
I do wonder what might happen, as a kind of thought experiment, if I stopped doing any of it. I probably won’t stop, because that’s the game I’ve agreed to play for now, but it does feel a whole easier for me to change it. Like I could just start doing something else with a moment’s notice and the momentum of my previous life wouldn’t be so hard to overcome.
It’s not just that a million doors of opportunity have opened, but that the doors have disappeared entirely. No doors. All gone. Just everything laid out before me. And yet not overwhelming, because I have no need for any of it. No need to leap in and start playing with it all. Just happy to sit and watch.
A little weird though. Just being, almost waiting for something, watching the world go by.