Sixteen years ago today I went to a party and met P, and my life has never been the same.
I am nothing like the girl I was then, and he has changed quite a bit too, and yet our relationship is stronger than ever.
We must have agreed to this beforehand, it just works so well.
P agreed to give me the space and support I needed to find my way back home to me. And I agreed to pull P along with me, no matter what. And he’s been there with me every step of the way, sometimes pretending to be a step or two behind, but never far away.
And what a ride it’s been.
I woke up this morning feeling tired and battered, and wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed after I meditated.
Might have something to do with yesterday’s adventures, maybe.
I felt like I was mourning and I just wanted to withdraw from the world and lick my wounds, to give myself the space I needed to process whatever I’d let go of. Things outside of me just didn’t seem that important.
But as the day progressed, it became one of joy, in so many different ways.
I got to enjoy one of my role models choosing herself, over the expectations of others and giving herself the time and space she needs to find her authenticity. I’m so proud of her and really do hope she finds her joy and lives it.
I got to acknowledge just how far my view of the world has come, when I saw this story about a girl hearing voices, and trying to explain it the world. In the past, a story like this might have freaked me out, while I struggled to comprehend what was going on. Now I have a perspective that accommodates her experience easily, and doesn’t even find it frightening. Very cool.
(My interpretation is that she has a bunch of guides/entities hanging around her, some of whom are just humanly flawed. Something you can be completely in control of, if you choose. No biggie.)
I also took courage in hand and suspended my place in my Pilates class, and felt nothing but relief, which still surprised me, even though I know that it was the most aligned action I could take. I guess I was still expecting some resistance, and although there was some conscious conflict, everything under the surface loved my courage and willingness to follow my heart.
And of course I got to celebrate my journey so far with P. So much joy and love. I may have gone a bit ooey-gooey around the edges, while I basked in the magic of our relationship, but then I figured that there’s always room for more love in the world, so I decided to share it around.
And then I realised something super cool – ‘love’ is a transitive verb. By which I mean that when you say “I love you” it’s not about how you feel about someone else, it’s actually something you send to someone else. Like in “I touch you” or “I hug you”. You’re actually doing something to them – sending them love.
I’d never seen it this way before, and for such a subtle shift in perspective, it was an awesome new way of looking at the expression.
And I also got to see the first photo of a close friend’s new baby. Now, I’m not clucky, and I know there’s no more babies for me, so that kind of frees me up to really enjoy other people’s babies, with no strings. And seeing this little guy filled my heart with such joy because I truly love this friend and I know how big this is for him, and I’ve only ever wanted the absolute best for him. And I think he’s found his way home.
Besides, knowing what I know now about our eternal nature, and our incarnations, and the significance of this time for our world, I just want to bask in the energy of babies. It feels so good just to be around them and appreciate what they are bringing to the world.
And today I practiced changing my habits. I consciously spent more time with T today, responding to her questions, taking time out from work to read her books, letting her sit on my lap while I worked, even though it made it harder, and most of all, not asking her to “hurry up”. It seemed like only a slight adjustment in direction, but it was also huge, because my focus was completely different. And I think she felt it. And it felt good, to be less concerned about getting things done and more interested in spending my time well.
It’s going to take some more practice, I think, but fortunately I have ample opportunities ahead of me.
So all in all, a pleasant respite from the turmoil of yesterday.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring?