I can’t believe it’s been
four three days since I managed to find the time to post. I have definitely been all over the place in the last few days. So much so, I don’t even know what day it is!
And I should probably be in bed right now, seeing as I’ve picked up my son’s cold.
This morning I woke up with a head full of broken glass, a barking cough and localised aches all over my body. And that doesn’t even make sense.
Not much has made sense recently, and just when I think I couldn’t get more lost and confused and battered, off I go again.
I’ve been butting heads with my 4yo daughter recently, and it came to a head today. She’s been refusing to listen or respect my wishes, which is definitely frustrating, but I was reacting out of proportion.
I knew she was just playing a part for my benefit, because half the time, seconds after she rebuffed me, she would appear to have forgotten what had just transpired.
Well, today I at least understood what she was bringing up for me, and not surprisingly, it was my parents.
I finally recognised the pattern she was matching – she was not respecting my boundaries and nothing I said or did made any difference to her behaviour. So as a result I was feeling frustrated and powerless and violated.
And the rage that was pouring out of me directed at her, and my rejection of her, was exactly the same way I felt about my parents the day I threw them out of my house (and much of the 26 years prior).
So she’s bringing this up for me now, because it’s at the heart of my journey in this incarnation. The keystone of my existence up to this point. My fear that I am actually powerless.
Well, at least I know what’s going on now, but I’m still in the dark about what to do about it. I’m kind of hoping that just becoming aware of it will be enough, and once again I took the opportunity in the midst of my rage, frustration and desperation to use the Emotion Code to release whatever emotions I had trapped that were amplifying the effect.
And I did feel better fairly quickly, but I’m not sure if it’s safe for me to be around her at the moment. We’re walking a very fine line, between bringing things up to be released, and creating some serious, irreparable damage. Not a very comfortable place to be.
But I guess that’s ‘par for the course’ at the moment, isn’t it?
And at the same time, I’ve been having some fantastic moments in other aspects of my life.
I took the plunge and bought the Silva Manifesting program last week, and so far the results have been pretty good. Lots of orders in the business, cash situation improving, definitely heading in the right direction. I’ll be interested to see what the second week brings.
And I also had fun over the weekend with my food venture. No one big thing, just people sharing my posts around, loving my stuff, getting photos published on major recipe sharing sites, lots of new followers on Facebook, but adding up to lots of good feelings.
Oh, and more stuff to clear out, thanks to the trolls, bless their cotton socks.
Up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down.
And then there’s this cold. It’s weird, I have all these symptoms of illness, I’m not mentally very sharp at the moment, and yet I struggle to classify myself as “sick”. I don’t feel sick, I just have these symptoms. Does that mean I’m in denial, or is it that I’m less willing to box myself in with labels and classifications?
And driving to work this morning, everything looked strange. Not weird, just unfamiliar. As though the rules had changed.
One of the ways we function in the world is by coming to rely on everything around us being constant and predictable. And even though everything looked the same this morning – I could recognise everything as something I’d seen before – it was as though the rules were off and everything was less fixed, less able to be relied on.
Then chuck in a bit of random NSTP for good measure and you have the makings of a cacophony of experiences.
Wow, this is tough. So much changing so fast, so much good, so much challenge, so much.
Where it will end?